It seems only fitting that I start this BLOG with Sal. She has been my motivation and my inspiration. A tie so familiar that it was impossible for me to be aware of it. In fact, it wasn’t too long before her unexpected passing that I had the most incredible observation. I had always taken Sal’s view of everything as perfectly accurate. It never occurred to me that I may only be getting part of the story or that she may have her own biases. I believe this recognition came about through the loss of three of my older sisters in 109 days’ time.
I did not believe the information
Just had to trust imagination
My heart going “Boom-boom-boom”
“Son,” he said
“Grab your things, I’ve come to take you home”
Peter Gabriel
Just after Sal passed I woke up to hearing the music and lyrics of this song in my head. The connection to it was so strong that I had to look up the words and, in the process, I learned the story behind it. It was written at a point when Peter Gabriel was considering breaking off from the rock band Genesis. It seemed a crazy thing to do, but it took him to new heights. I felt like this message was something Sal wanted me to hear. In fact, Peter Gabriel said of this song, “It’s about being prepared to lose what you have for what you might get … It’s about letting go.”
There are no words that can ever convey the utter shock I experienced after that first phone call from Tina. The news was devastating and completely unfathomable. Sal dying? Sal with only 12-18 hours to live? How can this be possible?
I was fortunate to have received this news while in classes at Bridgerland Technical College in Brigham City. I went into shock, but because of the actions of my teacher and fellow classmates, I was supported in my first processes of incredible grief. I was given a few moments alone and observed the presence of my three sisters that had passed only months before. Their message, loud and clear in my mind, “It is her time.”
Later that day, I made the trek to the hospital in Salt Lake City. I could feel the weight of Sal’s own disbelief as I entered her hospital room. Though she could not express it in words, I knew that waking up to being intubated was the last thing she had ever expected. She was sad, grieving to know that she must go, that there was nothing to be done, and knowing that there was so much more life she had wanted and expected to live.
It truly has been a struggle, one of the hardest of my life. But it has also brought me clarity and purpose, and a reason to break down the barriers of misunderstanding and judgement by sharing my own voice. I hope that in these pages, I can share an accurate portrayal of my own heart and mind; and that it may reflect the incredibly beautiful and meaningful life Sal lived.
So I went from day to day
Though my life was in a rut
‘Til I thought of what I’d say
Which connection I should cut
When illusion spin her net
I’m never where I wanna be
And liberty, she pirouette
When I think that I am free
Watched by empty silhouettes
Who close their eyes but still can see
No one taught them etiquette
I will show another me
Today I don’t need a replacement
I’ll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart going “Boom-boom-boom”
“Hey,” I said
“You can keep my things, they’ve come to take me home”Peter Gabriel
