In a dream…
I see you
I feel you
I know your Joy
The ecstasy of your forbidden love
Suliana Losa Wolfgramm (Julie) was the sister I remember being around the least during my growing up years. I know she was one of my primary caregivers when I was very young, and even the primary babysitter for me and my two younger brothers. But she had already left home and gone out on her own when I became old enough to have memories of my life.
As a child, I was always listening to what people around me were saying. My mom especially seemed to have a lot to say about Julie’s situation. Julie was the career woman and becoming an “old maid”. The sentiment was that she had missed her chance. Back in those days, when a woman reached a certain age, she was no longer marriage material. No man wanted an old maid for a wife.
The truth of the matter was that she had many proposals. In fact, there were many “suitable” men that wanted to marry her. She was a beautiful girl, but she was never interested in any of the men that my mom or others approved of. There was always disapproving talk about the kind of men she was interested in. My sister Julie liked men that were dark skinned. It was during the 1970’s, a time of racial tumult and prejudice. My mom especially did not understand why my beautiful sister Julie was attracted to black men. My mom never approved of this.
In a conversation I had with Sal, before her own passing, I asked about Julie. Why had Julie never gotten married? She certainly had the opportunity. In my last few conversations with Julie shortly before her death, her words were fraught with regret over not getting married. So, I asked Sal what she knew about it, and if there was more to the story than I had understood.
What Sal shared was that Julie had never been able to get everything together, “she wasn’t able to get all her eggs in one basket” she said. Julie was never able to check off all the necessary boxes.
Perhaps when she was young and full of life, she could not let go of the joy she felt in the love she had. Perhaps she could not let go of the freedom in living her own desires and passions.
One thing that is obvious is that these joys and pleasures were forbidden, something that probably made them even more tantalizing. So perhaps she was caught between a rock and hard place, between her joy and societal approval.
Needless to say, Julie was always the nice one, the one that never made waves. She always did what my mom asked of her. She always did what anyone in the family asked of her. She helped others and took care of their needs before her own throughout her entire life. She cared a lot about what other people thought of her, and tried her best to be a daughter that my mom would appreciate.
I believe it is true that the confines of a prejudicial narrative and the societal, as well as religious, perspectives of racism ground her down. What conflict rises in a soul whose inner drive and desire point to something so disdained and unwelcome?
"That one day Daddy's gonna find out that she's in love
With a brother from the streets
Oh how he would lose it then, but she's still here with me
Cuz she believes that love will see it through
One day he'll understand
He'll see me as a person, not just a black man"
I Believe - by Blessid Union of Souls
I woke up one morning to this song playing. I had never heard it before, but it made me think of my sister Julie. It is a beautiful song, with a beautiful message that I wholeheartedly agree with.
